(Written last night, in observing my own journey through grief)
While easily the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced, it is somehow beautiful. Why? because God is in it. This is part of his creation process, the growth through trial to count as joy (James 1:2-3).
The pain, being so overwhelming, can be distracting. This is grief, a sorrow felt on every inch of my body, to the core of my bones, the pit of my gut, the tenderest regions of my heart. I know the good of it, though it is hard to see when the throbbing is at its peak. Yesterday i could not feel the joy, i only accepted it. Joy and sorrow can coexist. Joy does not require happiness.
Grief should neither be ignored nor obsessed over. Even in seemingly insignificant situations, acknowledgement and full experience of sorrow and pain is healthy. However, such emotion demands focus and clouds judgement. As such, it is crucial to step away momentarily and assess the broader scope of a situation. Therein joy can be found and remembered, even when lapsing into the embrace of pain. This is what will cause each ebb and throb to decrease steadily in severity.
Today joy overshadowed the pain most of the time. The pain is still there, and the wound is still fresh, but the grace of God can be distracting as well. I do not mean to say that joy and pain are oposite entities…they can be conflicting feelings that are evoked within a single entity or action. That is to say pain is sometimes a part of joy, or the reverse, or that both are part of a larger envelope.
Today I’ve been remembering to discover the subtle pleasures of life, emerging from enthralled, consuming emotion, returning to appreciations not long ago acquired. There is so much to enjoy in life that once noticed causes the pain to fade into the background.
I hope for sleep soon, because I have not gotten nearly enough this week. Sleep and food are crucial to heal properly, though both are so easy to forgo.